Cloud Cover

The clouds have descended upon New York City and covered my mind. The sadness that has enveloped me started with one thought about how someone hurt my feelings and now it’s building a little montage of all the ways my heart has been broken recently. It’s like death by paper cut.

Sometimes I wish moments like this didn’t overcome me. Sure, it would be easier if my mind didn’t work this way, but I love the way I think. Sure, I wouldn’t get hurt if I didn’t live openly and vulnerable but I love showing my heart. She sure is tender, though.

I am accepting this moment for what it is – it’s fear manifest. So I experience this feeling of rejection or pain or something we shall just label “negative” for ease of explaining (though there is something to be said for not labeling in a category but that’s for another blog!) and instead of allowing the energy of the emotion to temporarily inhabit me and become me (like the Buddhists have advised), my mind starts to play with the idea of the feeling and build a case against the offender as if it were an attorney. The mind just tries to keep us safe and if we have interpreted something someone else has done as causing us pain, the mind will help you separate from that person just to protect you. The more the mind fucks with it, the more complicated the case becomes and the more walls we build around our heart.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, which means people have access to stab it, whether with pin cushion or a machete and sometimes it doesn’t matter the weapon of choice, it still feels like a little death.

There’s this choice we can make – hide our hearts away or keep shining the light. I choose to shine but I’m not going to hide this hard fucking work that it takes to keep doing that despite how I feel in this moment.

When we get in our feelings, we first have to see what is going on: Awareness. After awareness, we have to accept it for what it is. After acceptance of the moment, we have to process the energy out of our system. Then after we’ve processed it out, we are closer to authenticity (instead of what the mind has dictated to us) and then there is the choice. I caution you – don’t make the choice before you process – allow the lake of the mind to become clear and calm instead of murky and muddy.

I have my toolbox that I go to when moments like this occur. Today, I read some of “The Prophet”, listened to some music, and wrote this blog. Now I need to get in my body to process all this sadness and fear out… this too shall pass, just like everything in this world but I didn’t want this moment to pass without sharing it because life is not all hearts, stars, and smiley faces. The clouds will drift away and I will see a rainbow again and it’s really up to me to part the clouds. That’s where our power lives.

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